We wanted to dream. To dream into our life, to race towards a point
that never got closer. We wanted to discover, to venture out into a
world so big we didn't know where to begin. But dreams rarely become
reality, and the world wasn't so bright, like we thought.
I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry because I don't even know where to start, now. I'm too afraid to take the first step, too broken to be brave.
At some point, I got used to you leaving. It became a habitual pattern, of you staying for a while, some small talk, some emotional things I was dealing with. And eventually you would trail off, forgetting to reply, or getting too busy with your life. And I understood. I understood, but even understanding didn't take away the pain. The only thing, that honestly did, was when you came back.
Right now I'm lost. Right now, there's a path, waiting for me, but the world is behind, left for another child's dreams.
I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry because I don't even know where to start, now. I'm too afraid to take the first step, too broken to be brave.
At some point, I got used to you leaving. It became a habitual pattern, of you staying for a while, some small talk, some emotional things I was dealing with. And eventually you would trail off, forgetting to reply, or getting too busy with your life. And I understood. I understood, but even understanding didn't take away the pain. The only thing, that honestly did, was when you came back.
Right now I'm lost. Right now, there's a path, waiting for me, but the world is behind, left for another child's dreams.
I think my pain began with exactly this: dreams.
It started when I was younger, when I held more innocence than I do now. In a once upon a time, I thought that I knew the journey of my life, and where I was going. I was going to become an engineer of some sort, the path that I've been pushed to my whole life. And it's a journey I have loved, in some aspects. I can't deny that.
I don't know when things changed, but my view of the world shifted, I began to explore things in depth. I started to love the humanities side, while my resistance and anger shifted up many notches.
Even when people told me, "follow your dreams", I couldn't win. If you love two sides, two sides that make up a whole, then how... can you win? Even though I do love one side more than another, it's the fear of failing that catches me. It's my inability to move forward.
I know I have four years, and the rest of my life, to decide this, but I don't think it will ever go away.
It started when I was younger, when I held more innocence than I do now. In a once upon a time, I thought that I knew the journey of my life, and where I was going. I was going to become an engineer of some sort, the path that I've been pushed to my whole life. And it's a journey I have loved, in some aspects. I can't deny that.
I don't know when things changed, but my view of the world shifted, I began to explore things in depth. I started to love the humanities side, while my resistance and anger shifted up many notches.
Even when people told me, "follow your dreams", I couldn't win. If you love two sides, two sides that make up a whole, then how... can you win? Even though I do love one side more than another, it's the fear of failing that catches me. It's my inability to move forward.
I know I have four years, and the rest of my life, to decide this, but I don't think it will ever go away.
Many years ago, in a series of emails that I exchanged with a friend of mine, he once said,
"However, it is the pain you are feeling, that turmoil, that will point you towards what you want to do with your life. By keeping your eyes as open as you can, you will see a path you want to live, one you will develop the strength to obtain."
In the end, I think this was, and is, what keeps me stronger through the anger, and through the pain.
But it never goes away.
