I always wanted to be free.
To be free from words, to be free of my chains.
To be able to fly, far beyond any sky or dream.
But in the end... I just wanted to be free from myself.
Everyone feels pain. Between the bruises and scrapes we receive as children, falling from the playground set; to the raw, angry words that are shouted across hallways and felt through sweet, sugary lies. Then there's the indiscreet pain, the one that people indirectly inflict on each other. The quiet shrugs, the turning away of their head. The ignored text messages, or the passing of time that draws two people apart. Pain comes, all too often, from inside. The doubts, the fears. The feelings of abandonment, the loss of direction.
My pain came from inside. I was never enough. Never enough for myself, for others. I was caught in the midst of delusion, of beating myself down because I never felt that people truly cared. I never knew if I was a burden, and that in itself drove me down. Freedom was an illusion that never came, as each friendship and relationship became another cage of pain, that I created.
And it hurts when you see people moving on, when you see that they have their own lives to live. When you're stuck in one place, trying to hold onto what doesn't exist anymore. It's selfish, I know. But sometimes the hurt just comes, before you can put up your walls, before you can move on yourself. When that person has changed, has reached a new stage in their life; and new friends, to share it all with. When the extent of your communication is when you're the person who starts the conversation, all the time. When you know that they don't care as much as you do.
But in the end, that's not what matters. It's seeing that they're happy - seeing that they've found people who can carry them further than you ever could. And there's no other way to make it out.
My pain came from inside. I was never enough. Never enough for myself, for others. I was caught in the midst of delusion, of beating myself down because I never felt that people truly cared. I never knew if I was a burden, and that in itself drove me down. Freedom was an illusion that never came, as each friendship and relationship became another cage of pain, that I created.
And it hurts when you see people moving on, when you see that they have their own lives to live. When you're stuck in one place, trying to hold onto what doesn't exist anymore. It's selfish, I know. But sometimes the hurt just comes, before you can put up your walls, before you can move on yourself. When that person has changed, has reached a new stage in their life; and new friends, to share it all with. When the extent of your communication is when you're the person who starts the conversation, all the time. When you know that they don't care as much as you do.
But in the end, that's not what matters. It's seeing that they're happy - seeing that they've found people who can carry them further than you ever could. And there's no other way to make it out.
It doesn't matter who I am, because I'll never be that person.
I'll never be enough for you, I can never be enough to hold onto this.
